EXCLUSIVE: The Straight Poop with Justin Halpern of Sh** My Dad Says!

With the worldwide television debut of $#*! My Dad Says airing tonight on CBS, two former Maxim staffers felt it was their civic duty to sit down for a quick chat with their more famous Maxim alumnus, Justin Halpern, and discuss how he single-handedly made ‘Shit’ the new ‘Bitch’ in the American vernacular…

"Just laying here, thinking of you... Dad."

Do you think you’re the only guy in the world who gets laid strictly for living with his parents?

Well, I’m engaged so if that was a possibility, (which I don’t think it was) I never found out.

Have you gone all high school and thrown any “parents-are-out-of-town” parties?

No. I think that would depress the hell out of me. When I lived there I tried to not remind myself this was the bedroom i lived in in high school. I think throwing a party would have reminded me I was on the loser train.

Which reminds us of that scene in Anchorman, right after he said “Cannonball!” He, too, went on a grand adventure.

Um, yeah. I guess.

We remember your Dad burping over our Maxim conference calls and once even saying, “You’re not in a meeting. You’re in my fucking kitchen!” You’ve been keeping a record of your Dad’s sayings since you were younger. What inspired you to start doing it?

Well, at first it was just because I was an angsty teenager. Later on it was because I found them funny and wanted to show friends.

When you started tweeting, when did you think, “holy shit, this might be something big?”

No. Never. Never thought anything would happen other then a few friends would laugh.

Why do you think the idea appealed to so many people?

It became clear pretty early on from responses that there was someone like my dad in every family. I guess it became relatable, as well as people enjoyed how unfiltered my dad was.

Speaking of unfiltered, talk about the book, and what made you decide to write it.

It was a fun opportunity to tell stories that I had been telling friends for years. And also it was an amazing career opportunity. I figured if I could do my father justice, it could be a good book.

How’d the show come to fruition? Did you do it on your own, or did CBS approach you?

We pitched the big four networks and we have a few offers, but CBS seemed most committed to making it.

When it got piloted, what was that like? And then to score Shatner to play your Dad, that had to be cool.

I did rails of coke off a dude’s boner. Then when we got Shatner, I had a dude do a rail of coke of my boner.

Any expectations for the show? Or do you go in crossing your fingers that it works out better than “That 80’s Show?”

I’m super nervous and I just hope people enjoy it. I never saw That 80s Show so yes, hopefully it does better than that.

Does your Dad have any beef with the way everything’s going down? Or is he totally supportive of you and the way its played out?

He’s been supportive. It takes less energy to be supportive than it does to try and figure out if everything is going exactly the way he’d want it to, so he’s supportive. He’s also an awesome guy who is just incredibly happy for me. He’s the best.

Think he’ll watch the show? And honestly, how much good material will come out of his mouth during the 30 minutes it’s on?

He says he’s going to watch it, and the only thing that bums me out is that I won’t be there to watch it with him. He would definitely have some interesting things to say.

No doubt! Maybe the coke-off-your-boner boy can sit in and take notes. (laughs) What’s up next for you?

No idea at this point. Maybe circumnavigating the world on a yacht. Probably just more work, though.

And be honest, you’ve used the, “I’m the ‘Shit My Dad Says’ guy,” more than once to score chicks, right? Either way, it’s way cooler than being Mark Zuckerberg.

I’ve never used it once, and would hate to meet the girl that that worked on. I’m not sure there is a self esteem low enough.

C’mon, you worked for HolyTaco.com and Maxim—you know they’re out there! (laughs) Seriously, thank you so much for your time, Justin, and best of luck tonight. We know It’s gonna be huge.

Thank you.

Tune-in to the series premiere of $#*! My Dad Says TONIGHT at 8:30 Eastern/7:30 Central on CBS.

Find out why being a bro is kewl, follow Nick and Brenan on Twitter… oh, AND if you’e not one of the 700,000+ that already have,  follow ShitMyDadSays.

See one of Justin’s best friends at Maxim get ICED by Broham!