10 Vastly Overrated Horror Films

DON’T LOOK ETHEL:
10 VASTLY OVERRATED HORROR FILMS
YOU SHOULD SERIOUSLY AVOID
FOR REALZ

By guest writer D.B. Tarpley

Greetings and salutations people and peoplettes,
Who is this guy making the archaic Ray Stevens reference and why? Why it is I, D.B.Tarpley – writer and film snob extraordinaire. I am a huge cinephile with over 7000 movies in my personal stash and every Halloween I am inclined to go diving through this collection in search of interesting and unique party movies… movies suitable for this season of gnarled witches and bastard sons of a thousand maniacs. I always try to find something new or uniquely hidden to the general public which will astound and amaze in an effort to counteract the fact that every year at this time television channels everywhere trounce out the same tired old chestnuts. It makes me want to scream “ENOUGH ALREADY!”

“Don’t look Ethel”

That is what I would say if I were sitting in my Lazyboy next to a woman named Ethel and one of these over-rated shit-fests flashed on the screen. (And now my girlfriend will be like, ‘Who is this Ethel? Is she pretty? Why are you on a first name basis with her? Where was I during all this? How big are her boobs?’)

Sheesh.

Anyway, here are ten examples of the kind of film I am talking about. As we embark on this journey it is important to note that this is nothing more than my opinion. I am just a dude, not an authority on what you should or should not be watching in your free time. I don’t even know who Ethel is or why she is sitting next to me.

Along the way I may piss on a couple of sacred cows but hey, that’ll just make the meat all the more tender.

Before we start I will automatically disqualify several things. The Twilight films of course because while it is very tempting to mistake horrible with horror it is also of course a huge mistake; a huge romantically sweet sparkling mistake. Likewise I will have to disqualify all remakes as they almost universally miss the mark by a million miles. General rule of thumb: unless you’re watching John Carpenter’s ‘The Thing’, stick with the original. And finally I will disqualify anything which has the word Exorcism/ or Haunting in it and deals with possession. If it’s not ‘The Exorcist’ but desperately wants to be… pass!

All right. I believe we are ready.

Warning: spoilers ensue.

10.) IT – Released in 1990, this clunker is often fondly remembered for Tim Curry’s earth-shattering turn as Pennywise the demonic child-murdering clown. And indeed his performance is incredible. But that is only a small part of this film. Most people forget this was a television miniseries with all the restraints and filters attributed to such a project. It is cut in two halves with one half dealing with the group as children and the other with the group as adults trying to deal with the fact that the horror they experienced as children is in fact very real. Adapted from Stephen King’s excellent novel this movie falls flat in every network sense of every network produced network fingering minute. The acting is sub-par, as is the editing and the direction. It stars the leads from ‘Night Court’, ‘The Waltons’, and ‘Three’s Company’ for crying out loud. It might as well be Battle of the Network Stars. And the monster at the end is ridiculous, a horribly rendered ant/ spider thing which is more likely to inspire gut-wrenching belly laughs than fear. Do yourself a favor, watch the first ten minutes of this turd-munch then turn it off.

9.) SAW – This whole series feels like an excuse to watch scene after scene of elaborate torture devices/ games which in theory should be a real hoot. The problem stems from the fact that the plot to these films from front to back becomes increasingly convoluted as the series progresses. The kind of thing where if you repeat it out loud you are like, ‘Wait a minute… who did what… with a candlestick… in the where?’ Just in referencing the first one you find yourself stuck in a room with a plump Cary Elwes flatly portraying a character no one in their right mind can sympathize with. There is a decent surprise at the end but in spite of this, or perhaps because of this, the film does not hold up on repeated viewings. If you want to see cool traps and diabolical murders stick with The Abominable Dr. Phibes and call it a day.

8.) JAWS – I know, I know… Gasp! How dare I? Oh I dare. I realize this might not even be classified as a horror movie but it is borderline enough to qualify I think, although typically not Halloween fare. It just doesn’t jibe with me. While the acting is top notch all the way and the direction is… decent… the story just doesn’t inspire. Killer shark? Stay out of the water. End of the story. The Candy gram shark on SNL was scarier. The drama is built on water vapor, sometimes literally. It all seems contrived to me with the scene where the drunk captain relates his experience in the pacific during the war being the only real highlight of the entire piece; all in all though this is just another limp floater swirling its way down the tube.

7.) PARANORMAL ACTIVITY – What can I say about this one? It is a ride in the theater, you know with the Dolby surround sound kicked up so you hear every bump and creak in the house. But like a ride at the amusement park, once it is over you forget about it. It lasts so briefly and endures so shortly because this film and its sequels are the equivalent of cinematic Chinese food. There is no story, just an excuse for the bumps in the night. And occasionally… occasionally… you get some CGI fire on an Ouija board which takes you out of the ride altogether. Don’t believe the hype; this activity is all too normal.

6.) THE RING – This film does in fact have a creepy moment where a girl with long messy hair crawls out of a television set and into your living room. What was that? I just ruined the film for you? You’re welcome, now you don’t have to sit through the rest of this horrid affair which resembles a drab, blue and grey student art film about drowning horses. This falls under that whole remake thing I mentioned earlier as it is a part of Hollywood’s big ‘Let’s remake everything remotely Japanese’ party of the early 2000’s. (RING! RING! RING!) Don’t pick up the phone, it’s not for you.

5.) THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE – I hate, hate, hate this film! It is the most inane piece of garbage this side of ‘Leonard Part 6’. There is absolutely no motivation for the central set-piece of the film other than the fact that the writer/ director, Tom Six (Oh to be a fly on the wall in the Six household when he was a kid), thought it would be cool to see a person with their mouth attached to another human’s asshole. If you didn’t know, that’s pretty much it. And it is a supposed scientist who thinks this will be a sustainable condition. It boggles the mind to the extent that my sphincter clinches at the thought… not the thought of the mad scientist’s creation but the thought of anyone writing this down on a piece of paper and thinking it is an acceptable excuse for spent celluloid.

4.) THE OMEN – Sandwiched squarely between Rosemary’s Baby and The Exorcist this film gets way more credit than it’s worth. Essentially a vehicle for Gregory Peck, arguably the most wooden actor Hollywood has ever produced, the movie feels very old school Hollywood without any B movie charm. The child with the titular sign on his wee little head looks like an extra from Pink Floyd’s ‘The Wall’, pale and pasty in a proper English boy’s school uniform. He basically just mugs his way through the film almost without uttering a word, methinks Satan would be a bit more verbose. The film’s one and only truly wicked moment involves the child’s nanny hanging herself from a staircase as a necessary sacrifice. You see she is a part of a cult who have assigned themselves the task of protecting the antichrist so it is only natural that she… wait… I’m confused. And so were the writers because the simple acceptance of this child’s evil nature seems to be the end game for the movie, a movie which amazingly spawned three unnecessary sequels. Nothing in this film stands the test of time. It is awkward and boring and trust me, watching this pile of constipated crap is pure and utter Hell.

3.) SCREAM – There was much buzz in 1996 when Wes Craven directed Kevin Williamson’s ‘clever’ script. The film tried to reimagine the slasher flick with all kinds of inside jokes but for my money the inside jokes turned the film inside out and created a nice slick mess of a movie where the actors all seemed to be in on the joke and thus left any believability on the cutting room floor. And for a supposed satire, or send up, or homage to slasher flicks or whatever they completely miss the mark in one crucial way. The original films all had something this one so desperately needs… danger. They were full of teenage debauchery. The Scream films all seem so homogenous and sanitized. The kids are so clean cut… the lighting so pleasant. Mark definitely missed. The film works better as a running meme than a stand-alone slasher flick; so close and hence so frustrating. It’s enough to make you… something.

2.) THE AMITYVILLE HORROR – Two words – (Get Out!) Nuff said.

1.) THE CHILDREN OF THE CORN – I remember spending the night at my good friend Charlie’s house back in 1985. His family had cable, my family did not. We stayed up well past any reasonable bed time so he could show me this really cool R-rated horror flick which was all the rage. And I have to admit I was blown away. Because I was a child, and I wasn’t allowed to watch R-rated horror movies, and I didn’t have cable. And I think that is how most fans of this film remember it, with a sense of nostalgia, and a sense of getting away with it behind our parent’s backs. But honestly, this film is BULLSHIT. If you ever find yourself in a town overrun by hyper-religious children try these three steps – A – Extend palm at an outward, downward angle. This will stop the little person’s forward momentum. B – Cock your leg back as far as it will go. C – Punt that bastard into the next county. There you have it. And if by chance you happen to get caught and find yourself staring down a giant irradiated gopher in a cornfield of blood… laugh your f@#king ass off.

Well, my time here seems to have come to an end. I trust that both you and Ethel are now adequately prepared to make it through this holiday season relatively unscathed.
‘If you’re so worried about Ethel why don’t you marry her!’
Sigh.

Until next time, keep the popcorn hot, the soda cold, and leave the pages bloody.