Bruce Willis + A Black Guy = Excellence

By Phineas Gage on October 11, 2011

At least onscreen, actor Bruce Willis has proven time and again he’s a total badass. But we at Broham Nation are revealing the formula for what has time and again become blockbuster gold: Bruce Willis + Black Guy = Excellence!!

Die Hard

Okay so let’s just state the obvious right out. This dynamic duo could have only been from opposite ends of our great nation in order to deal with Hans Gruber, the most notorious of thieves from the Cold War or something like that. Carl Winslow and John McClane are on a race against time as they work together to stop Gruber steal from the sprawling glory that is Nakatomi Plaza. They never truly meet till the end but that makes it all the better. Carls laughing a huge gut laugh and John’s beaten the hell up. It looked like a Christmas episode of Family Matters. McClane’s wife, Holly Gennero, super hottie, guest stars.

The Fifth Element
When I think of the future I picture there being a bunch of pussy bitches. Everyone gets all their shit done for them by robots and we just become a bunch of lazy asses. Then, some huge ball of fire planet decided to be a badass and take out the whole human race! How do you beat a badass? Get the only living badass on the whole planet and tell him to take a vacation where he’ll star on a radio show hosted by the biggest star of the planet Ruby Rod. Chris Tucker plays the lovechild of Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon. To make a long story short, Corbin Dallas (B Will) will have to save the world by drilling an alien and then nailing “the Supreme Being” Lelu (played by that chick from Dazed and Confused) who makes it all the more difficult because she’s a chick and they do that.

Pulp Fiction
Marcellus Wallace is the most powerful criminal in the world and when he pays for a fight to be thrown, he expects it to be thrown. When something of the contrary happens then he has to make sure that others suffer the consequences with their life, or many lives. One thing he didn’t anticipate was Butch the boxer’s ill fated luck. When Butch hits Marcellus with his shitty Geo or some horrible crap car he gets cornered. When the pawn shop keeper they get confronted with wakes them up in his basement with ball gags stuck in their mouths, they don’t expect the best. Butch gets the choice of leaving Marcellus Wallace to a horrible death or saving him with a motherfucking samurai sword! Remember, this is Bruce Motherfucking Willis. He saves Wallace and Wallace spares him. He steals the rapist hillbilly’s chopper. When asked whose Motorcycle:
BW – It’s not a motorcycle it’s a chopper baby.
Baby – Whose chopper is this?
BW – It’s Zeds.
Baby – Who’s Zed?

BW – Zed’s dead baby. Zed’s dead.

Armageddon

Okay so I’m really stretching this one but this movie is so America in every single way it’s crazy. I like saw it and then I left the theatre and registered with the Army. Okay so this guy Harry Stamper is pumping oil out of the oil reserves we have and doesn’t even give a fuck! Energy Crisis? We wouldn’t have one if Stamper was still alive! They ask him to build a team to drill a hole and drop a nuke into a fucking meteorite! The first person he picks? Bear, played by Michael “Green Mile High Club” Duncan is a groundbreaking role for his career. Bear and Stamper are on a race against time as this meteorite the size of Texas is headed for earth and all Harry can do is grab his stupid Brat of a Son in Law and stick him back on the space ship! Bruce Willis saves the planet by watching a Aerosmith music video.

Cop Out
Okay so this is the exception. This movie was horrible. I saw it but all I heard from it was a big fat wet fart. I felt like I was leaving a snuff film and it wasn’t even funny! It was so bad. Tracy Morgan did his whole I-make-fun-of-retards-and-get-away-with-it routine and it was just like watching the career of William Hung; it made no sense to happen but it did and you still wish you could forget. I’m going to be honest. I was so horrified every waking minute of this movie that all I really saw was a bleeding orifice and the only thing I heard were children screaming. I will go as far to say that the existence of this one horrible piece of work overwrites my initial observance and say that no, Bruce Willis + Black People ≠ Excellence. God dammit I’ve wasted my night! Well at least I was watching..