Dear Megan Fox… 12 Ways to Revive Your Career

Dear Megan Fox,

We’re sorry you’ve appeared in the second flop of your career. We don’t know why people have such high expectations for a rising starlet who is supremely hot. After all, supremely hot is an accomplishment unto itself! How is it Pamela Anderson continues to elevate her celebrity despite a string of continual flops like Barb Wire, “Stacked” and… Kid Rock? The world may never know. But, it only takes three licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, so we think with a little help you’re about to hit paydirt. Here are 12 ways in which you may, in fact, revive your career—of course, it doesn’t help matters that you’re now off the market…

12. It’s time to release your humorous side. Your Facebook page will get over 50 million likes if you post video of you burping “Giddy-up, a oom-poppa, oom-poppa mau mau”  during a mean karaoke rendition of the Oak Ridge Boys’ classic diddy “Elvira.”

11. Hit up SNL and HOST THAT SHIT! Betty White did it after just a million likes on her page. Only, don’t make it a lady party, bring back all the great alums that aren’t dead: you know like Chris Kattan, Dana Carvy, Mike Meyers, Will Farrell, Eddy Murphy and Jim Breuer as ‘Goat Boy.’

10. Thank you for the passionate girl-on-girl kiss in Jennifer’s Body. Now, STAY THE HELL AWAY from Diablo Cody.

9. For your next inspiration, look no further than your own forearm! With your comedy chops now firmly cemented, channel your tattoo of Marylin Monroe and remake your own version of Some Like It Hot! Sure, Jack Lemmon is pushing up daisies, but Jack BLACK needs to bring the funny in a baaaaad way. Tony Curtis is still alive, but why not get daughter Jamie Lee instead? After all, since her Activia endorsements, she’s become highly skilled at playing the tuba!

8. Congrats on your recent nuptials! Now get brand new hubby, Brian Austin Green, to executive produce the cinematic adaptation of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles and cast you as the Skynet Terminatrix sent to take out John Connor. Achieve greater eternal fanboy cult status when your chip is damaged in combat and you instead force yourself on stars Lena Heady and Summer Glau in what will then be known as cinema’s first full-frontal sci-fi robot sandwich.

7. It’s time you give back to the community who helped make you famous. Since you like people with three names, why don’t you undo a national travesty and buy Soleil Moon Frye her boobs back?

6. Get David Silver (Brian Austin Green) to call upon another 90210 alumnus, Tori Spelling, to produce Charmed: The Movie, starring Rose McGowan, Alyssa Milano, and you as the good witch who banishes Shannon Dougherty to the third level of hell… and forces her to watch NoTORIous reruns for all eternity.

5. Love is fleeting, but celluloid is forever. Make the fanboys happy… ditch Brian Austin Green!

4. Ride the wave from the success of Charmed: The Movie, and self-produce your next star vehicle, The Craft II: Electric Boogaloo, starring you, Elizabeth Berkley, Robin Tunney, and Shannon Elizabeth. If you can FIND Fairuza Balk, throw her in too! We haven’t seen her since Waterboy. Shit, might as well make it THREE mini-reunions and invite Tiffany Amber Thiessen and Mena Suvari.

3. With your renewed star status and Midas touch, unite with your celebrity doppleganger, Angelina Jolie, to co-star in Mrs. and Mrs. Smith. You can fight over Brad Pitt if you must. So long as both of you are blowing stuff up and tearing each other’s clothes off, we really don’t give a shit.

2. Screw a bunch of Transformers! That franchise went south with the last one anyway. Cozy up to Speilberg and bring our asses some GOBOTS as a summer blockbuster!

1. On some warm, sunny day in L.A., forget to wear your panties while wearing a skirt, walk up to Michael Bay and piss dimes on that fat head of his! After all, you just made six instant blockbuster hits and successfully hosted SNL. Make sure to have the cameras rolling so you can start the whole process all over again on YouTube.