Say It Ain’t Snow! Reacting to the Game of Thrones Season 5 Finale

By Steel Trap on June 15, 2015

You shoulda stayed in that cave, Jon Snow.

Spoiler alert! 5 effin years of our lives are now wasted. Every character in Game of Thrones with whom we may ever empathize we now know will be brought to slaughter. Sure, we’ve always known. Readers of the books have always known. But Season 5 has deviated so sharply from the books that devotees had renewed hope for a hero to last all seasons.

Koosh-koosh-koosh. It’s not working anymore on This American Tolkein! We no longer want to watch to see who you might kill off. You’ll routinely execute everyone we could like, but not before making us like people we thought we hated. What’s Dothraki for “Fuuuuuck yoooooouuuu???!!”

“Guess who has one thumb and is a total fan of the last episode? THIS GUY!”

They should rename the damn show The Dead Pool, but Clint Eastwood and Marvel surely would have some wise-ass crack to say about that—right after lawyering-up.

We fell for her in a Ned Stark nanosecond.

The fox who fell after only five minutes.

There was that MILF in the battle with the Night King a couple episodes back who basically summed-up all of season one in a Ned Stark nanosecond, chucking her children on a ship only to later be KIA and made into an ice zombie. The battle itself is a microcosm for the series: constantly looming hardship, cursed conditions, painful deaths and loathsome losses are inevitable, but also, in these times and on this planet, all adversity is AMAZINGLY INSURMOUNTABLE. Ta-da! Couldn’t we all just stare at the angry Atlantic from the coastline before a hurricane? Same realization with less of an investment, so long as we have time to safely trot home and catch another friggin’ GoT episode.

“In the final battle, thou shalt Stannis alone,” Melisandre neglects to say.

NEWSFLASH: No one cares that the Red Witch, Melisandre, is in Castle Black and could reanimate Jon Snow. She’s a charlatan and a tramp, and too many good people have died for her mysterious, self-motivating cause for the Lord of Light, who was a no-show at the glorious battle in the snowy plains outside Winterfell.

The freaks come out at night.

No one cares that the Night King is a former commander of the Night’s Watch and could zombify Jon Snow, allowing him unwitting vengeance on his band of brothers. “Snow White Walker” lacks the much-needed machismo, not to mention certain litigation from Disney.

Dude, Lyft sucks!

Daenerys you say? Khaleesi please. True, aside of Ned and Rob Stark and the aforementioned Snow, she’s the best example of a ruler we’ve seen. She’s the only hope left at the moment, granted, but my how the mighty have fallen. The Unsullied have met their match with the masked Viet Cong of the middle east. The Mother of Dragons now has three out-of-control teenagers and the Dothraki done kidnapped her ass. And, sadly, as great as she is, she’s no Jon Snow. A perfect companion to him perhaps, if we’re allowed to forget Ygritte. Jon didn’t.

Much like the audience, the cast sits around going, “WTF?”

Now nary a year shall pass before we can have any resolve. This author intends not to watch the first few episodes in protest. The novel, Across Five Aprils, should be rewritten to reflect this degree of loss of time and investment. Grrrrr! Winter is here and we should be coming to a porn parody of this shit.