Mistakes Not To Make When Purchasing Secret Santa Gifts

Christmas is awesome. I am saying that because I have been clinically conditioned over the years of just plain expecting things given to us for being good. Instead of God, we should just have The Divine Church of St. Nicolas. If your a dick, it’s coal or nothing. In Uganda, you can try all you can to get something you need and still not have a snowballs chance in hell of obtaining it. In the U.S. all you have to do is wait until Christmas. When you grow up and earn the title of self sufficient there isn’t a particular age where you have to start buying things for everyone else. Some people learn this at a young age, then there are greedy self involved assholes like myself that go for as long as possible sending money or gift cards. It’s hard to give a gift card to two people too. Then there is the Secret Santa Claus pact where every office in America comes together and decide to be quaint with forced obligations of good nature. There are few people that love Secret Santa but they always seem to be more persuasive over the people that don’t. As many times as I’ve seen these yuletide pow wows I will never be more entertained more than when somebody gets something they clearly do not want. When your a twenty three year old office temp and you get a Maxine Day Calender or a 65 year old lady and you get a bed pan there are more awkward turtles walking around the office space than last year when the secretary got drunk and pole danced around the inventory manager. Secret Santa’s often come out pretty successful because people are easy to please and there are so many gifty gifts out there that people can’t find anything wrong with like any item that can be purchased on Sky Mall. However, some people never cease to surprise me when it comes to fucking them up. These are the most common mistakes that people make when making these career messes during the first three weeks of December.

You may tell yourself; “No I want to take my time with this because maybe they will mention something they want in passing hanging out by the coffee maker..” What this really means is that you have no clue what this person wants and no amount of brainstorming will change this. These people choose not to make any effort to purchase anything until twelve hours before the gift is given. The shelves of Target or Wal-Mart are bare at this time and the only people they are in the fetal position stuck in a line that goes out the door. You will end up putting together a gift that consists of candy bars and eraser tops wrapped in today’s sports section. The initial reactions of the receiver is the icing on the cake when it comes to these transactions and they almost always begin with empty broad exclamations like Wow! or I can’t believe you got this! The gull of this person along with the shit they must swallow are equally overwhelming during this time. It’s always followed by the sloven given saying something like “well I know you like letter openers and the color pink” or “I hope you like it.” What they really mean is I hope you like it so you don’t stone me to death like you should be allowed to do. They say it’s the thought that counts and if that’s true you you shouldn’t count as a person.

So one year I had this person that had started working only two weeks previous to the act of gift giving. One day I was desperate because I had made no effort to know this person and I asked my manager who was the only one that actually spoke to this introvert. The manager gave me the worst answer I’ve ever had to work off of. “Well she really likes the Fajita Chicken Salad.” Great. That’s like getting a bank teller a personalized check book. When you turn to someone who is a mid level manager at On the Border to make good decision you have made a grave error. I ended up getting her a Chili’s Gift Card because it’s another place that makes fajitas. I remember the dissapointment in her eyes was that of seeing her first dick and mistaking it for a button on a fur coat. It’s funny when you get one of these gifts too like when you overhear the person talking about how they like kids so you buy them a sexy nanny outfit or steal a child. If you take away anything from this it’s this; if you don’t do your research you will drown is the bitter water of awkwardity.

Oversized Remote Controls and anything from Spencer’s can go well at a holiday party when there is another one on the way. One year I worked with someone who lost his decade long career with Rent-a-Center and as a forty year old host there isn’t much to look forward to besides death. I gave him a tube of Touch of Grey and he proceeded to get drunk and talk about how he “needs to get his kids back.” Shut the hell up dude! If I wanted a buzz kill I would dissect Steve Buschemi’s career. When you get a gag gift you act the same as when you hear a bad joke from your boss and your like Oh! Ha! Ha! That’s funny! Which is the most forced laugh there is. Giving a gag gift without any back up plan is like putting a racist joke into a African American’s uolagy. It goes over like a steel balloon. There are a few gag gifts that go solo but they aren’t that funny. The best gag gift to give is one that you can actually use. My best was the morning after pill pez dispenser. Too bad it didn’t work because I don’t love my son.

You aren’t ten anymore and not that creative so molding a coffee mug out of mud you found in your backyard won’t work very well. I have always been a fan of when people put coupon books together that are composed of baseless guarantees for things like “will work one shift” or “free hugs.”   I would rather get a water balloon filled with diarea than something this trite. If you have the time to create a gift instead of going out and getting something they actually want you haven’t taken the sufficient amount of time to plan this through. I bet your one of those assholes who ask too many questions before they order something at a restaurant just to land on the Buffalo Wings. I feel the same way about people that choose to make their costume. They think people respect them for having any amount of ingenuity but in reality they just look like cheap bastards. Unless you are the unknown lovechild of Martha Steward and McGuyver you should either buy something or hire a Mexican to make that personalized frame or you will most certainly fail.