A Flood of Fish Sandwiches: Day 3 – Have It THEIR Way at Subway

By Cat Taylor on April 4, 2014

There is something indeed fishy about a tuna sub made with mandatory mayonnaise.

Subway doesn’t participate in the Lenten season fish sandwich promotion. Instead they are offering a flatbread pizza called Flatizza (see what they did there?). I ordered one anyway because at first glance I thought it was called Flatzilla, which you have to admit would be a much better name. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t a fish sandwich.

…And that’s how I originally intended to end my Subway review, but when I turned in my story, J. Jonah Jameson nearly bit his stogie in half and started yelling, “Parker! This is the most pathetic excuse for journalism I’ve ever witnessed! If you can’t do better than that then you need to stick to taking out of focus photos of Spider-Man!” I’m pretty sure it went something like that. At any rate, Mr. Jameson reminded me that Subway does indeed have a fish sandwich and they have it year-round, the Tuna Sub.

J. Jonah Jameson smiles for Mr. Parker’s camera.

Hey, I like tuna so much that I used to eat it straight from the can daily. The problem with Subway’s tuna is that they mix it with mayonnaise and I despise mayonnaise. I don’t normally believe in using violence to solve problems but the world would be a better place if mayonnaise was brutally beaten in a back alley somewhere. Normally, in the name of science, I would order the tuna without mayonnaise but it’s not an option at Subway because rather than using it as an optional condiment, their tuna is already pre-mixed with mayonnaise in a paste that can be molded like clay. I’m willing to bet that given the opportunity, I could sculpt a nice vase out of the Subway tuna. I could shape it and give it to the Subway worker to toast it so that it comes out of the oven hardened like pottery in a kiln. Then I could give it to a relative as a nice homemade Christmas gift to display on the mantle. Hey Subway, I’ve got your “sandwich artist” right here! So, no, I don’t need to order the Subway tuna to know if I’ll like it or not. The mayonnaise tells me all I need to know.

Final ratings:

Value for the money: This month they had the six-inch tuna on sale for $3.00. So if you like mayonnaise it gets 4 out of 5 Poseidons, but if you don’t it gets 1 out of 5 grub worms.

Appearance: You can’t really see the mayonnaise because they are stealthily hiding it to get people to accidentally buy the sandwich. So, 5 out of 5 Angler Fish.

Taste: 1 out of 5 bullies kicking sand in your face