The Desecration of Smaug [Review]

By Pithy Control on January 14, 2014

Peter Jackson. Dude WTF? Lord of the Rings. AWESOME! 3 books. 3 movies. A million Oscars. Making gold and making perfect fucking sense. A decade goes by. Then there’s The Hobbit. Kewl, no one is more qualified. Wait… what? There’s a sequel? Oh, okay. Well, it IS the best of all Tolkien’s books. Or, at least, the most popular.

Smawg. Sounds kinda funny when you New Zealanders say it. Oh, you say it a lot. Okay, now I’m kinda used to it. Or, maybe I just want a kiwi. I’m dozing off, dude. “Big Journey,” got it. Oh, good. Here’s the climax. Wait… THERE’S ANOTHER SEQUEL???!!!!! Ohhhh, you FUCKER!!! You coulda just told us. I mean, it was plainly obvious in Lord of the Rings. It might as well have been titled “There Shalt Be Three.” But this time, it’s been 10 years and a bad remake of King Kong.

Aaaaand, you’re kinda toying with maybe a global childhood memory. You know, those things that are SACRED! Or, at least, in our 40s we buy back on eBay. So, Peter Jackson. Dude WTF? 3 books. 3 movies. Then, 1 book, 3 movies? Are you trying to tell us you’re getting old? Shit. So are WE! 3 hrs at a time when we watch your movies. Next Christmas, I’d like 9 hours of my life back..