Today's Useless Waste: Coupons to McDonald's

Forgive me for feeling a little uneasy that Micky D’s is offering food at discount. I thought they were already at the ceiling of cheap — what other message does a “Dollar Menu” send? But no, it turns out, they’ve busted through that ceiling like Gene Wilder’s flying elevator at the end of Willy Wonka. Can’t we print something more useful on the glossy paper they use and that I find each week in my mailbox — Hooters coupons, please. Informational literature on the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, even. Plus, fast food beef is already 40% plastic and packing peanuts, God knows what molded excuse for cow they put in the burgers on sale. In related news, Chinese takeout not actually food. Yep, its confirmed. The stray cat outside my apartment building, ribs showing through mangy fur, won’t even touch the bits of moo shu pork I gave him. I’ll see if he has any interest in the McDonald’s coupons. It is snowy February, maybe he can use them as blankets. Or a sled.  Get me out of here.