Top 5 Guy gifts – Worst 5 Girl gifts

It’s hard to shop for a hubby or a life-partner or even for a chick on the side.  You never know if you’ve made a colossal mistake by buying her that crotchless apron.  Well we’re here to help. Girls, take some notes, cause these are the gifts your man wants.  Guys, steer clear of these gifts for your gal if you plan on getting any mistletoe lovin’.

TOP 5 GUY GIFTS:

Alcohol:  The holidays suck ass without alcohol.  So buy plenty.  Watch as your boyfriend makes a beeline for that bottle-shaped gift under the tree and shreds the Spongebob paper until he sees that sweet Jim Beam. If God blessed you with rock hard abs and a sweet rack, set him up for all night body shots on XXXmas Eve!

Boob Job:  The perfect gift to give him if you don’t mind the pain and cost of augmentation, or the sudden increase in his sex drive, or the free drinks from strange men at the bar for pretty much the rest of your life. Wear big sweaters! The one and only flaw in this gift idea is that you can’t really keep it under wraps until Christmas morning.  But F@*K IT! cause he’s gonna love ’em.

Blow Job: If you’re broke or married, here’s your get-out-of-jail-free card. Straight or gay, every guy loves a BJ.

A Gun: What’s the next best thing to tying one on, grabbing more than a handful, and inviting BJ & the Bear on the skin flute? That’s right. Shootin’ shit. From a 12 aught six to a .22, it totally doesn’t matter. Hell, we’d take laser tag or a pop gun. Just the idea of being a cowboy and shootin’ yer load anywhere you please is totally intoxicating.

Video Games: Got a good man who needs a social outlet but you don’t trust him not to cheat on you as soon as he sets foot outside? The way we see it, you got two choices: Xbox or PS3. If he’s been good, get both. If you want to share in his new hobby, get him the Wii, but only in combo with an Xbox or PS3. This way, he’ll stay home like a good dog and only wax one ass each night… if he’s not too tired from the late-night gaming.

TOP 5 WORST GIFTS FOR THE GIRL:

Alcohol:  Sure, you may be lucky.  If you have a chick who’s an alchy, go for it.  But trust us, its usually a time bomb.  You either end up feeling guilty for drinking her whole gift up yourself, or she chugs the bottle and beats you for not getting her those pearls.

Boob Job:  The perfect gift to give her, if you want to hear the words, “Just what the fuck are you trying to say, asshole? You don’t like me for who I am?”

Dick in a Box: Sorry JT. You’d have to be John Holmes’ estranged son who’s come back to prove the legend is indeed true before this little ploy got you anywhere near the sack. As long as she has in her possession one perfectly good vagina, and it’s located in or around her crotch, she can see as many dicks her conscience will allow.

A Gun: Wow. So not only did you try to get her drunk on the birthday of Our Lord and Savior, but you tell her she’s physically inadequate and still expect sex… and THEN you give her a gun? We’d like to thank you for kindly removing yourself from the gene pool so quality candidates can have a swim.

Video Games: Not only are you a beer-swilling tit man who thinks with his dick and has suicidal tendencies, you’re also completely insensitive to her wants and needs. The only gifts you buy her are ones you want yourself. Why even HAVE a companion? And if you answered, “Because I can,” you are now welcome in the Broham Nation.