Top 5 Ways to Spend Your Tax Refund

If there’s one thing in which we Americans still lead the world, its procrastination. There’s no better example than on April 15—Tax Day.  The lines around the block at the post office would make you think it was the holidays and the last Furbies and Tickle Me Elmos were flying off the shelves inside (90s babies holla!). Small wonder when we do get a refund, we spend it. Here’s our tongue-in-cheek take on what to do with that extra tax fundage.

5. Career Advancement

Wanna get ahead in the workplace, but too many people stand in the way of your rise to success? Well, Toyota is ‘moving forward’… and they won’t stop—might as well be on that train! Buy each of your office arch nemeses a shiny new Prius. Nothing says you want to kiss-and-make-up like a environmentally friendly major purchase. And, hey, it’s not your fault if the car just happens to unleash utter mayhem while on the freeway. Just assure them they’ve already been recalled. You might have to fudge a little sticker at FedEx Kinko’s (or whatever they’re calling it now). Bonus that you can write off the sales tax next year… just mention it to coworkers after all the funerals.

4. Turbo-charge that refund

Take your inordinately small refund that you’re super pissed about and put it toward some state of the art tax software.  That way you can find all the loopholes you missed out on this year.  Like writing off that Polo Black cologne as a business expense for the one client meeting you have a year.  Not to mention refunds for your home office – that sweet recliner in the corner and the hookups and wireless keyboard that turn your 48″ LCD tv into a kickass personal computer (only for spreadsheets, of course).  The bus fares, the fill ups in your Tahoe’s gas tank, and that 2:30 Hershey’s chocolate bar you buy every day just to get by without blowing your brains out.  These are all tax deductible, the software will tell you.

3. The Church of Measly-Priced Latter Day Saints

Tithe son, tithe!  It’s always the super rich that end up in the news for donating to charity.  Beat them at their own game and give your whole refund away to a charitable foundation.  Cue the press firestorm – you’ll be on Larry King, Bill O’Reilly, and maybe even the public access show those two stoners down the street run out of their basement (Party on, Ex-cel-lent!).  Next thing you know, girls on the street will recognize you for your generosity; and they’ll like you despite your lack of funds.  SCORE.  And who knows, maybe giving to the poor really does make you feel good.

2. Shop, Shop ‘Til She Drops (to her knees)

The Bush era may be over, but that doesn’t mean you have to put down one of his most famous mantras, “Save the Economy, Go Shopping!”  We’re no economists, but when all of us are buying shit that’s when the economy is the best off.  Plus, fellas, you can use this to your advantage.  Give your girl the refund check and tell her she can only shop at Victoria’s Secret (or at Bobby’s House of Bondage, depending on how you get your kicks).

1. Lil’ Nip, Lil’ Tuck… We Say WTF?

Let’s face it. It’s a tough economy. Therefore, your best investment in keeping the job you have or getting a new one is YOU. What can you do to improve your circumstance? Night school? Ha! Get real. Expecting a pretty decent refund check? We say call Dr. 90210 and make whatever it is you got… BIGGER! Better yet, be original. You’ll always find work if you’re the only known human with three boobs.

Lastly, Heed Our Humble Final Words of Advice…

Don’t wait for your refund… assume it’s coming! Who knows how long its gonna be until you get the check from the Fed back.  All we know is those Levi’s on sale are only cheap this weekend, and that Dave Matthews concert is gonna be sold out by the time you see a penny.  Same for Bonnaroo.  So here’s what you do.  Guesstimate your refund, cross you fingers and swipe the plastic.  Buy all the crap you would get, but buy it now.  With any luck, you’ll get paid on the back end.  And if not… Shit, you can’t take it with you, the experience is what really counts.  Wasn’t it a hell of summer?