Troubled Athletes – New Challenges

Read this.  Sure part of it’s from a newspaper, but hey, live a little.

Check this excerpt from a Washington Post story:

‘Animal Planet, the Silver Spring-based cable network that says it’s the destination for animal lovers, announced Monday it has purchased a new TV series in which it will introduce Mike Tyson, the heavyweight pugilist and avid pigeon fan, to the competitive world of [YES,] pigeon racing. . . .  Animal Planet says “Taking on Tyson” will introduce Tyson to an “intensely competitive and bizarrely fascinating” sport at which he hopes to become “crowned champion all over again.” ‘

That article made me wonder.  If Tyson wants to do it, what other troubled former champion-caliber athletes could use a change of scenery; a new arena to conquer?

Tiger Woods:  He’s already conquered golf and sex.  What now?  What’s another interest of his that can be turned into competition?  Well we know he loves ladies and scorecards.  Eureka! I’ve got it.  The professional Bingo circuit.  Sure, maybe the ladies aren’t quite as taut, but there’s plenty of Ethels and Ruths and Melbas to keep him busy.  Plus, what they lack in recent sexual experience they’ll make up in Bingo skills.  We know how competitive Tiger is — his work is cut out for him if he’s to dethrown Jack Nicklaus’ generation at the peak of their playing careers.

Mark McGwire:  Before his fall from grace for sticking steroid and andro needles in his arss, fans lovingly referred to the slugger as Big Mac.  He certainly won’t be the most famous Big Mac once he starts his new career —  as a video gamer; not unless he drenches himself in honey mustard and special sauce.  I can’t imagine a better challenge for the monstrous man who so relied on strength and power than playing Halo and Call of Duty against 11 year old smartasses who aren’t afraid of anyone as long as they’re on the other side of the headphones.  “Fuck you kid, I’m an adult.  You’ve never even seen a boob.”  But somehow that little bastard’s words still sting.  Okay, enough of my demons.  But let’s see Mark exorcise his.  I can see him crushing the Mario Kart Wii wheel in frustration now.  And yes, he does play as DK.

Ryan Leaf:  Bear with me here.  This former number one pick never panned out in the NFL and wasn’t championship caliber as an athlete, but he certainly is a professional fuckup.  His most recent newsworthy moment came after breaking into a West Texas A&M player’s room (he somehow had an Asst. coaching job) to steal painkillers.  I mean, DAMN.  So facing jail time, you bet I know another interest of his.  Staying out of prison.  Doing anything besides the things they make you do in jail; say, mowing the lawn (which he might be doing plenty of if house arrest is in his future).  So here is his new career:  Professional tractor pulling and lawn mower racing.  Don’t know what the hell that is?  Check the pics.  But you bet he knows.  He’s already in Texas, coached at an Ag school, and is gonna sure as hell be motivated.  Anything as long as his ass isn’t grass.

Darryl Strawberry:  One of the real baseball talents of the 80s and 90s was Darryl “pass me that Straw [sniff sniff]” Berry.  He won rookie of the year and still holds major records for the New York Mets.  But he certainly had other interests: like hitting his wives and girlfriends, recording a rap album, doing massive amounts of coke and drinking, and even once saying of his hometown during the L.A. riots, “Let it Burn.”  I think this guy’s new competitive arena is already written and fated.  He needs to bring back the funk, resurrect gangsta rap, and conquer the record charts all at once.  It won’t be easy, with iTunes and music sharing as they currently are, but I think he’s got all the right goods to go triple platinum.  He’s got the nostrils of Rick James, the right hook of Ike Turner and Bobby Brown, and the Los Angeles sentimentality of Tupac and NWA.  His only competition?  The dwindling consumers of retail music, staunchly greedy record execs, and maybe an absence of all musical talent.  But hey, if he can channel all those other badasses with whom he shares so much, he’ll be alright.  All their success came back in the 80s and early 90s, just like Strawberry’s.

John Daly:  Now back to golf.  Daly is my hero.  He drinks beer before professional events and still shows more raw talent than a seventeen year old Gainesville stripper named Desirae (trust me, she was talented).  He’s also choked in huge moments, missed gimme putts, and nearly bad-healthed his way off the tour and into the grave.  Of course he also lost a hundred pounds and might just make it to age sixty.  If he really is retired, he’ll need work though, and I’ve got just the gig.  Children’s cereal mascot.  YUH, I said it.  He’s perfect.  He knows all there is to know about corn starches and sugars, and enough about beer to marry the grains with the hops in Research and Development.  They’re GRREEAAT… with BEER. Plus, look at the resemblance?