Underworld: Blood Wars [Movie Review]

If the early aughts were good to you and you want to feel as if time stood still, Underworld: Blood Wars is absolutely for you. That’s because Kate Beckinsale looks exactly the damn same. And, whatever she does, she looks amazing doing it. SPOILER ALERT: This sameness is perhaps why she returns in the third act sporting highlights and a white wardrobe. Which got us thinking… Maybe even hot, gothic ice queens need a lil vacay.

And a mental vacation is really what this entire series is about. It’s junk food for the brain with Britain’s best in bondage garb. Might they have made-out more in Merlin? Underworld. Can’t wait for the brothel scenes in Game of Thrones next season? Underworld. Gotta have more “gettin’ down” in Downton Abbey? Underworld!

Does it blow anyone else’s mind that there are now five of these?

For the fifth installment in this gothic franchise, Beckinsale reprises her role as Selene, a once-unwittingly converted vampiress now known as the most powerful Death Dealer in the Underworld. If the Yeah, Yeah, Yeah’s “Leather” needed an extended music video, then coupling it with Blood Wars would topple Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” for a top-notch MTV Video Awards takedown. Badass babes a-plenty? Yep. Blue-tinted rotoscoping? Check. Awesome, yet straggly hair? Check. Guns, guns and MORE GUNS?? Check, check, check! We can just hear Karen-O wailing “Get…your leather… on!” over the sensual fight scenes, followed maybe by “OHhhh, your hair is beautiful..” from Blondie’s “Atomic.”

So far, it’s gotten a 17% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. But, with a $70 million-plus box office and a a budget of $35 million, Beck’s laughing all the way to the bank. Blood Wars has already done better ticket sales than 2014’s Dracula Untold and it hasn’t even left theaters. Clearly, those who like these films don’t care enough to give Underworld a good rating. What about this series then makes it such a guilty pleasure?

As proven by the rise of literary works dating back to the 1990s (but really going back all the way to Bram Stoker’s Dracula in the 1890s), vampires are now the universal symbols of youthful lust, rebellion and forbidden love. In the pantheon of cinematic vampirism, where does the Underworld series then fall? This, in part, depends upon what is perceived as the pinnacle within the genre.

Perhaps not surprisingly, the earliest works are still considered among the best: Nosferatu (1922) and Dracula, starring Bela Lugosi (1931). Indisputable modern classics would include: The Hunger, Let the Right One In, The Lost Boys, and Near Dark. Regrettably, we wouldn’t put the Underworld series among any of those. We would, however, put these films collectively as maybe a step above the Blade series starring Wesley Snipes. However, individually, Blade II might rise to the top of the deck of shuffled installments.

It could be argued the buzzworthiness of vampires truly jumped the shark with the last Twilight movie, the final season of True Blood or the continuation of Vampire Diaries on the CW. All of which either romanticize to a fault or completely emasculate the monstrous Dracula from the original work of fiction. They are the direct result of a complete misinterpretation of Joss Whedon’s Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, which was the jubilant punchline to a joke no one had yet thought to tell. Which is why zombies have captivated our collective psyche these past 7 years instead. This is also why, for the hopeful, Underworld: Blood Wars could be seen as a big reset button for the entire subgenre.

Underworld: Blood Wars and any future sequels should therefore not be faulted for the aspirations of the box office success of say, 2004’s Van Helsing, also starring Kate  eckinsale along with Hugh Jackman, which garnered $300 million worldwide. Though, we think Blood Wars is instead a turning point in a series we only hope will get better.

Fanged Formula for Success: Too Fast for Love

This film delivers everything the last two sequels did only refreshingly without the heroine trapped in a love triangle. This frees Selene up to be more sophisticated in her relationship with men—a welcome change from their love or hate dictating her actions. In fact, her Kennedy-esque male co-star isn’t seemingly interested in her love either, making their relationship delightfully more complex simply by not explaining their togetherness.

While there is a lesser love angle in Blood Wars, as in all the Underworld films the characters rarely satisfy their lust for love, sex or blood. Despite the vampire coven’s obvious sex symbol status, their loving, feeding and lusting are almost always interrupted by extreme violence.

Coitus interruptus. It’s the first rule in horror films, but, because of the aforementioned allegory, it routinely falls flat in a vampire flick. This is especially the case in the Underworld series, which is what we attribute to all of them being critically ill-received. Selene’s quests are only for escape, vengeance, justice or exoneration. Noble causes in a den of iniquity. Why she doesn’t leave can only be answered with “why do we still watch?”

Our first clue comes from her costume. Bedecked head-to-toe in form-fitting latex and leather, the only flesh Selene exposes is her head and hands. A matronly tease. Fans of the beautiful Brit will therefore find more of her sex appeal on this month’s cover of a women’s fitness magazine.

But it’s most likely Selene’s saintly status which keeps Underworld from ending up like the BloodRayne series, which is unfortunately a better set of video games than it is of films.

What Blood Wars does right, then, is project the sexual allure onto Selene’s antagonists. Actress Lara Pulver of TV’s Sherlock and True Blood fame adds some serious “steak” to Selene’s sizzle as her very worthy adversary, who seems at first to be punished more so for her plunging neckline than her raging ambition.

Which is why we recommend the Deadpool delivery for the (hopefully) impending sixth sequel. Damn the torpedoes! Dole out the violence on the return to a romance of Selene’s antagonists (and finally a little more sex) and dress up the dialogue with clever quips for a victorious Valentine’s Day release.

We Say: See It!

Even though it lacks color and taste, a black-licorice jelly bean is still considered candy. Post-9/11 escapism coupled with unrequited vampire love makes for a super-satisfactory date movie. There are shirtless men for her, bodacious babes for him and bullets for everybody. Afterwards, you can both agree how shamefully bad it is and debate over dinner just exactly how bad and why. But, secretly, you’re both glad Selene’s back and can’t wait for the next one.