Raiders of the Lost Art – 2012 Chicago Auto Show

For the second year in a row, dear readers, Your Esteemed Editor invited his IT Dude to the Press Opening of the 2012 Chicago Auto Show.  Even though there was an expected abundance of the hybrid orgasm America seems to be having right now, there are still nuggets of muscle to be found (with mid-20s MPG, oddly enough).  And of course, it didn’t hurt that there were boobies afoot.  The difficult part, as always, was focusing on the eyes.  “No, I’m not listening to your claims of horsepower or overall cubic footage, I’m intent on not glancing at your ample cleavage.”  Sometimes it hurts to have manners.

We started at Hyundai because the coffee hadn’t kicked in yet.  Meet the new Veloster in its sporty race livery.  A bit much on the, “I may be Korean, but please think I’m a Japanese ricer worthy of the track,” dontcha think?

no images were found

Then, of course, our senses righted themselves enough to push us over to the Comcast Supercar station.  A MacLaren, a few cherry-picked Maseratis, and this absolutely fantastic Aston Martin got us rollin’ and ready for a day of car-watching.

After about 30 minutes of solid shooting, I was finally dragged from the supercars and pointed in the direction of the Chevy booth.  Thankfully, we hit the first of a few concept cars for the day that deserved our attention.  This year, Chevy’s crowdsourcing to figure out the proper answer to Scion’s domination of the 18-25 demographic of small-car-no-style…why, I’m not sure.  First, the lovechild of an RX-8 and a Camaro: the CODE130R.  Doesn’t it look like it just enjoyed one spliff too many…?

no images were found

Then, the catlike pearly knockoff of the 370Z: the TRU140S.  No, look to the right.  Past the shapely model whose eyes hint of a world we’ll never quite know.

no images were found

Now all of this is not to say these concepts aren’t pretty…we’ve just seen them before.  So nuts to that; CAMARO TIME!!  There were almost as many of Chevy’s pony-haters this year as last, with the ZL1 convertible and Bumblebee (yes, Bumblebee) reppin their V8s.

no images were found

The usual accompaniment of overpowered and underhandling Vettes were in attendance, but we sped along to check out Caddy’s head-turner, the Ciel.  It’s as ugly as the pictures make it look, but it’s a PROPER concept car – far f’ing out and evoking both the future and the past in that “Take me back to the 50s but show me a plasma rifle” way that the Fallout series of video games just filthily NAILS.  It’s enough to just say: Suicide Doors.  But check the hair-flipping model who was surprisingly nice to us (most Big 3 concept models are jerkwads to anyone without a “Motor Trend” press pass, but we were pleasantly surprised by the congeniality this year).

no images were found

Whatever your thoughts on the Ciel might be, just don’t look behind it.  Nope, don’t…ahh hell.  It’s a CTS-V Wagon.  A WAGON.  Yes, let’s take a car to the Nurburgring, make it faster than your garden variety Ferrari California, then stick a wagon on the back.  No wonder GM needed a bailout.  (Esteemed Editor Steel Trap does not agree with me, calling it a “Soccer Dad mobile”…sure, it may look ridiculous, but you’ll smoke anyone who steps up).

no images were found

Of course, here’s where I left my companions behind and made a bee line to the Mercedes booth and the open-to-all SLS AMG.  I mean, if Clarkson can flop around a track in one while screaming, it must be a good ride, right?  Thing is, you really gotta fold yourself into it if you’re anything over Hammond-size.  Check out the 6’3″ dude next to me.  They actually have to cut the headroom out an extra 2″ so fellas like us can fit.  I asked this nice fellow press-geek whether he’d enjoy not being able to see a damn thing, but his response was just what a Brohammer might expect: “Who cares, as long as it goes fast.”  Godspeed, behatted man.

no images were found

But then.  Oh, then.  The show stealer won our hearts (well 2/3 of us, but just because the other guy was salivating all over the Audi R8 in attendance for the 2nd year in a row).  Yes, the Lexus LF-LC.  If the Ciel was a promise of what a good concept should be, the Lexus was the realization of just what a good set of Japanese minds can do to a super car to out-Lamborghini Lamborghini.  Holyjesusgod, just look at it:

no images were found

…and…

There was much more at the Lexus booth, including 4 LFAs (holyfour!!).  But we’ve got to move on to the Nissan commercial booth.  Wait, what…?

Yep.  Hottest set of babes in the show.  And they’re pimping cargo vans for Nissan.  Moreover, they were from Atlanta, so they drenched us in Classic Southern Charm.  Here, look at them again:

no images were found

We stayed there…awhile.  But when we finally tore ourselves away, we ran into an odd mix of Toyota and Monopoly that I still don’t quite understand.  Apparently the Prius is going to be an Official Monopoly Piece for some reason.  I guess if they have Edna Krabopoly nowadays, it should fit pretty well.

But then Steel Trap had his day.  This is a man who loves his Mustangs, so we spent some time hopping in and out of every pony he could get the door open to.  The head-turner of the bunch was the rotating pedestal sporting a lineup that would make your local Light FM station blush in envy of its hits from the 80s and Today:

no images were found

So if you were watching the Super Bowl, you no-doubt noticed the Fiat 500 Abarth ad with the fantastically endowed Italian model.  Jesus, if only she was there.  Next best thing: a set of Abarth (and non-Abarth) 500s.  Personally, I couldn’t get over the cloth “convertible” top.  Well done, Italy!  You figured out how to be cheap but make it look ritzy (oh, wait, you charged for it, too…sticker on a 500 is $23,000).

no images were found

Now, I won’t go into the 0-30-0 tester track that Steel Trap already covered for us.  But I will say that the Challenger I rode in was Out.  Standing.  This may not be the fastest of the muscle cars.  It may not handle as well as them, either, and its sight lines are enough to make you want one of those awful Murano convertibles.  But Lord if it ain’t the PRETTIEST muscle on the block.  Nevermind the Brohammers pretending to be high school douches in the picture:

no images were found

I don’t even care that it’s got a giant ass…back that thang up!

no images were found

We rounded out our visit with a quick stop by the modder booths near the back corner of the exhibit hall (something World of Wheels does *quite* well).  A few classic cars were in attendance, followed by some odd creations spanning the major Detroit makers.  But the one that caught our eye was this beautiful Camaro that must’ve been commissioned by Megatron but stolen on its delivery route by Cobra Commander.

no images were found

All in all, the 2012 Chicago Auto Show was a smashing success.  The models were nicer (though not as plentiful), and we still felt like we had a solid day full of 93 octane.  If you’re in the neighborhood and consider yourself a gearhead, it’s definitely worth a visit.  While I tossed in a smattering of photos here, there are many, many more in the full, gallery.  Go ‘n have a look-see.