7 Filmmakers Who Should Have Made “Alice in Wonderland”

The new Alice in Wonderland is a little out there.  Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter and Tim Burton directing.  Sounds like a messed up Ambien and Robotussin trip.  So while I’m on the issue, here’s some other actor/director teams that need to tackle the adaptation:

7. Martin Scorcese and Co.

Alice in “I wonder..” Land… Imagine it.  When the queen says “Off with their heads!” you better believe heads really get lopped off, and no skimping on the blood.  And Leonardo Dicaprio is packing heat as the White Rabbit.  Still aren’t intrigued?  The Cheshire Cat is played by Joe Pesci, smiling from ear to ear, the reason we can only assume a body disappearing, and not his. Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee are made men (DeNiro and Ray Liotta), and they don’t have time for games, though they do tote croquet mallets.

6. Cheech and Chong

In this one, Alice shares the spotlight — with the hookah smoking caterpillar of course, played by Tommy Chong.  He’s our de facto narrator, opening the movie with stoney voiceover, telling us all the parts of Alice’s adventure he can remember, or was awake for.  And of course he’s not opening any doors for Dave (“Dave’s not here, man”), er, Alice. And Alice is of course played by Cheech — I can see it now.

One side of the Mushroom makes you larger, the other makes you small.  What size does Alice want to be.  The wise caterpillar Chong gives great advice: “The smaller you get, the bigger the doobie gets, maaann.”

5. Quentin Tarantino

In a surprise twist, Director Tarantino decidedly took a more traditional route by remaining true to the actual book, “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.” Haha! Nah, he’d never do that! Instead, Uma Thurman is Alice and is chased by zombie vampires down the rabbit hole, falling into the arms of Michael Madsen as the Mad Hatter. Blaxploitation babe Pam Grier is the “Evil” Queen of Hearts who leads her Hitler Youth army to stop them. Alice finally thwarts the Aryan army by convincing them their leader is black… a 20 minute mass suicide ensues, and the Mad Hatter finally gets that 3-way. Swords, guns, sex, and kool-aid acid THC parties… a masterful script, I must say.  But the studio rejected it.  Pure Hollywood bullshit.  So what if he changed Alice’s name to Ms. Purple and the the pages of the manuscript were stuck together with matted blood?  We’re talking a gold mine here.  Good news is, maybe at Sundance.

4. Kevin Smith

Oh yeah, you bet your ass Jay and Silent Bob are back in this one.  As the March Hare and the Mad Hatter sipping big gulps.  Jay as the Mad Hatter knows a riddle or two.  After smashing their token boombox to smithereens because both sides of the tape have the same songs:  “You know what we need now, don’t you?”

Alice: “no.”

“Why, a Broom Box of course, sir,” to which Silent Bob nods in knowing agreement and lights up a smoke.

Okay, fine.  None of these filmmakers are doing it for you.  You want action you say.  Well how about….

3. Michael Bay

The Producer of Bad Boys 1 &2 and Transformers 1 & 2 really puts his stamp on the Wonderland saga with Alice in Armageddonland. To kick off the movie, Megan Fox as Alice takes refuge under her bed as her London flat gets bombed to shit by fighter jets.  One jet, swooping and doing perfectly executed special effects barrel rolls, starts launching screeching missile after missile into the home.  One, perfectly placed (we get a first person camera view), crashes through the window and explodes near her, in brilliant colors and flickering fire.  Alice is thrown through the air, her ears numbly ringing.  She lands in her clothes hamper, but wait, its bottomless, she’s falling, falling, down down down.  She finally lands, sees the White Rabbit checking his watch while fleeing on his Harley.  She gives chase on her Ducati, dodging roots and obstacles through the maze of tunnels, and her journey has begun.

2. Alfred Hitchcock

Teaming up with James Stewart once again, this dark suspense (done in black and white) takes the cake.  Or maybe takes the tarts.  That’s right, Jimmy Stewart is the White Rabbit — prosecuting the climactic courtroom scene where he’s the only sane one but Alice.  She’s on the stand, and he’s nailing her to the cross as the knave who stole the Queen’s tarts.  But the audience knows, if they’ve been watching carefully, that its really Jimmy Stewart’s White Rabbit who’s responsible. He’s gone vertigo-in-love with the Duchess and will take evil to its most sinister extreme to make sure he’s not found out.  I won’t spoil the ending, but a mysterious man in a grey suit has yet to testify, and the Duchess mysteriously vanishes.

1. M. Night Shyamalan

Okay, Alice is really dead the whole time.  You saw that one coming.