Top 10 Features Brogrammers Wanna See on the iPad 3

With all the speculation circulating around the big iPad 3 reveal this Wednesday, Broham Nation decided to weigh in on the rumor mill by voicing the real and immediate concerns of Brogrammers everywhere. The truth is, we have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, we can’t wait to see what game-changing tech is coming next, on the other, we just bought an iPad 2. Below, the top 10 features Brogrammers want to see on the impending iPad 3.

10. An HD video camera with LED flash. This feature has become a basic requirement from competitors. We need to be able to show our fellow bros just exactly how hot the girl from last night was. As it stands with our iPad 2, we’d have to rub two sticks together and pray for a spark just to illuminate her face in the dark. If a $100 Flip Cam can have it, then a base model $599 iPad should have it too.

9. F the Cloud! We need a built-in SD card drive that doesn’t require going through an app or iPhoto to access. Remember the first iPod? It was really the first external hard drive for mass consumption. Why can’t we drag and drop and save to disk? Napster is dead, dude. We pay for our freaking music now. If design is really the issue, freakin’ Mini-SD that brick!

8. Speed. You’ve introduced an awesome gaming interface, make a device that can compete with the home gaming consoles, in speed, graphics and resolution. Ergo, more RAM and a faster brocessor are needed. Besides, we wanna play Battlezone 3 at work.

7. A higher resolution screen/Retina Display. Here’s how you stay ahead of the pack, have the highest resolution touchscreen available. How else on our morning train ride are we gonna know if Marissa Tomei had a pimple on her butt after ditching her duds in The Wrestler?

6. 3D capability. Not only do we wanna be able to sext at night in HD, but we want to be able to believe her junk is really before our very eyes. We can’t believe you let Nintendo beat you to this! But you can do it better. Tweens everywhere need relief.

5. Better syncopation with Apple TV. When Apple TV is on, it should discover your iPad immediately and offer a channel in the main menu for easy viewing. We want to be able to easily broadcast her junk to our 3D-HDTV, so both hands are free as we, ahem, reminisce.

4. 4G LTE: Longer battery life was last year’s excuse for keeping 3G. If you’re going to make us buy the same product over and over again at premium prices, keep up with technology and give customers the fastest possible pipeline and preserve the longest battery life on the market.

3. Allow for Flash animation viewing capability. The American Genius has moved on, so should we. You’ve made your case, won the war and everything is moving to HTML 5, but that doesn’t mean all the video and animation from the past decade will make the migration. Given that tablets are rapidly replacing laptops/home computing, how will future bros come to know Ron Jeremy’s legacy if they can’t watch his videos? (Incidentally, if you can’t view the hilarious SNL video on 4G LTE embedded with the above paragraph, then you are most likely viewing this phone from an Apple mobile device. Sucks, huh? That’ll be 600 dollars.)

2. A cheaper price tag. Dude. Everybody else in the market it gets it but you guys. It’s a recession! Yet, you keep making us buy the same expensive gear because this year, you actually included things that come standard on a piece-of-shit Cricket phone.

1. Form of: A Boomerang! If we wait in line for hours and get the 64 gig with Verizon or AT&T capability, then we’re looking at dropping a solid G. Did we mention there’s a limited supply? For those of us who take public trans, we can expect to get jacked if we whip it out to alleviate boredom. It’s rumored the 3 will be missing the home button and be made of carbon fiber, so why not add a switchblade stylus and make the 3 in the shape of something more useful, like a boomerang. Then you can go all Kill Bill 3 and Crocodile Dundee on their ass. While you’re at it, might as well have the P90-X and Brotein Shake Recipes apps preloaded for preventative security measures. Real Brogrammers do push-ups between coding.

Sent from my iPad.